"Jagvar" (Jagvar)
11/20/2013 at 09:51 • Filed to: None
3
37|
"Jagvar" (Jagvar)
11/20/2013 at 09:51 • Filed to: None | 3
| 37 |
Non-car rant below:
Do you have that one friend who disappears whenever he’s in a relationship, and then resurfaces as soon as he’s single again? A few years ago, I had a buddy who was a really cool guy. He was always a ton of fun, down for whatever, and was the social glue that held our group together. Then, he started going with this girl (who had a lot of issues), and she became his world. He was always making excuses why he couldn’t hang out, why he was too busy, and why he and the girlfriend were just going to “do their own thing.” He disappeared, and I didn’t hear from him again. For four years.
Out of the blue, I get I call from him this week. “Hey, how’s it going?” just like nothing ever happened. Apparently, he’d married that girl just over three years ago. And earlier this month, separated from said girl. She left him for a coworker, they’re going through divorce proceedings, blah, blah, blah. And suddenly he wants to hang out again. I left things kind of hanging, but my instinct is to tell him to piss off. Does that make me a terrible person? I really don’t want to be the friend who you just hang out with between girlfriends/wives. That’s just uncool. And it's not my fault that you ditched all of your old friends and didn't make any new ones in the past four years.
Party-vi
> Jagvar
11/20/2013 at 09:53 |
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Give it another chance. We tend to let the dumber head do the thinking for us when it comes to girls. I'm sure you know this by now.
CalzoneGolem
> Jagvar
11/20/2013 at 09:54 |
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I would tell him to piss off.
Gasolinelollipop
> Jagvar
11/20/2013 at 09:56 |
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You should hang out and let him know how you feel. If you guys were good friends he may need to hear it from you. Sometimes people get caught up in a whirlwind especially when it comes to women.
Tom McParland
> Jagvar
11/20/2013 at 09:57 |
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It really depends...I tend to be a little anti-social and not bother with people much, so I would just be nice but never follow up. However, if you need an excuse to go out and about, then hey you got nothing to lose.
505Turbeaux
> Jagvar
11/20/2013 at 09:58 |
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happens too often. Lest anyone forgot: bros before hoes. Still would give him another chance
Nibbles
> Jagvar
11/20/2013 at 09:58 |
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There's a good possibility that he's looking for some sort of comfort that he had before this girl
I wouldn't tell him to piss off, but that doesn't mean his rank in the friendship squad should be immediately reinstated. Hear him out; he may be in serious need of someone he could trust again - and that may be you.
Not speaking from experience here...
(_;)
V8Demon - Prefers Autos for drag racing. Fite me!
> Jagvar
11/20/2013 at 10:02 |
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I know someone like that. He's done a similar move a few times, not just to mbut to our entire group of friends. Most of us have had enough of his crap......
Sethersm
> Jagvar
11/20/2013 at 10:03 |
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Going through a separation/divorce myself right now... I'm not the guy in question.
It's uncool the way he treated you and the friends and I understand why you'd feel like telling him to piss off, but... Right now dude really needs a friend.
Car analogy: He's been cruising down the road with his ride feeling dialed in. Things are great, engine is purring, pavement is smooth, good tunes on the radio, etc. Next thing he knows, he's upside down in the ditch facing the wrong way. Maybe he had a blowout, maybe a ball joint broke, but whatever, his ride betrayed him. He's lost, he's heartbroken, his entire world has flipped.
I'm not saying you need to be BFF's, but let dude in. Let him hang, understand if he's not the life of the party. Dude really, really needs friends/something to do right now. You don't have to help him fix his car. You don't have to even talk about cars, just give him an out from time to time to think about something other than cars. If he wants to talk car and you don't want to, tell "Dude, I don't know, you need to see a mechanic (counselor)"
This time though, try to distance yourself from him a bit, slowly, before he buys another car and ditches you again. If he calls and wants to hang, from time to time feel free to say "Nah, can't today" even if you've got nothing going on.
Yowen - not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs
> Jagvar
11/20/2013 at 10:07 |
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I've had this happen and just accept it as a fact of life. I've probably done the same thing, not quite as badly, but I have paid less attention to friendships when in a relationship. But... When I got out of my relationship I realized who was still out there for me to rely on and I resolved to always keep those people close, maybe he is doing the same? Shit, you could probably talk to him about it...
SnapUndersteer, Italian Spiderman
> Jagvar
11/20/2013 at 10:07 |
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I echo Party-vi
ttyymmnn
> Jagvar
11/20/2013 at 10:08 |
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That's kind of a tough call. But I wonder if, as others have said, he's looking for companionship now that his relationship is over. I don't know the history, or how close you were before he got married, so that will have to be a judgment call on your part. Just be prepared to be jilted again. Or, maybe he's grown a bit in the last three years. Perhaps you could take the opportunity to casually explain how he's been treating you and your friends.
offroadkarter
> Jagvar
11/20/2013 at 10:08 |
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hang out with him, but for the next 4 years remind him he's an idiot
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CalzoneGolem
> Sethersm
11/20/2013 at 10:15 |
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Wife = His ride.
McMike
> Jagvar
11/20/2013 at 10:19 |
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Tell him yes, make plans, then cancel at the last minute saying you have plans with one of your co-workers.
Just kidding. give him a chance.
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Sethersm
> CalzoneGolem
11/20/2013 at 10:25 |
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Yeah.
Well, I described my case anyway. His case could be different. Car could have been running rough for a long time and no matter how many times he worked on it couldn't get it smoothed out. Eventually, the car just refused to start and now still he's lost.
William Byrd
> Party-vi
11/20/2013 at 10:33 |
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Yep, what he said. Particuarly if he's having a rough go, having friends around will help. Guys make this decision all the time, heck it could happen to Jagvar one day if he meets the right shoeless fräulein. :)
Victorious Secret
> Party-vi
11/20/2013 at 10:33 |
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I like to think of it as the less experienced, yet more specialized head.
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William Byrd
> Sethersm
11/20/2013 at 10:34 |
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I've been there too. Not all my friends supported me and it really sucked.
Gamecat235
> Jagvar
11/20/2013 at 10:37 |
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Been there. Done that. Been that guy.
Free time was making the relationship work (of course, with kids, free time was already a premium, so my situation was slightly different). It's hard to maintain friendships when your choices suddenly start taking all of your time.
I lost some friends. I made new ones. I found out who was really there for me and who wasn't. Regardless of how I acted when I got into the relationship. If they didn't understand why I did what I did, I moved on. If you don't mind being moved on from, then follow your initial instinct. If this will bother you, then rethink and decide.
deadpedal
> Jagvar
11/20/2013 at 10:38 |
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I'm of the mind a 4yr break in communication is not friend behavior.
That being said, I've a friend who was short-leashed by an awful spouse. He went back and forth a couple times trying to get away. After the first cycle of make-up break-up, I swore (for my own integrity) to never hold my tongue about what I thought. I think it was the good move. I did it in a positive way...but I made it clear...she's poison. You deserve better. You should be happy and not make bad situations work.
I don't think we value honest criticism enough when it comes to these things. It's a tough line to walk, but my friends can take the straight talk. If they can't they long since dropped to the people I used to be friends with list.
Life's too fucking short.
I got $5 that says your buddy will go in and out of shitty relationships like that forever though.
Hooker
> Jagvar
11/20/2013 at 11:04 |
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Friends are friends. You don't ditch them for a relationship if they mean anything to you. What this 'friend' did to you was wrong. I think he is just lonely and looking to find people to hang out with. Anyone. A relationship shouldn't mean the end of friendships. Ever. In my experience, I have made it very clear from the beginning that my friends and family are a very important part of my life. The woman is then encouraged to hang out with those people while we grow together (i do the same for her side). That's how it works. I don't think it makes you a horrible person to tell him to piss off. He didn't even give you that courtesy.
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Hooker
> Tom McParland
11/20/2013 at 11:07 |
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You're anti-social? Could have fooled me.
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Hooker
> Hooker
11/20/2013 at 11:08 |
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Let me also add that true friends are able to go months or years without talking and pick right up as if it was just yesterday they spoke. If you don't get that feeling from this friend, it's not a good fit.
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Tom McParland
> Hooker
11/20/2013 at 11:10 |
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It's easy to be social here. I have a bunch of people with a shared interest that I really have no obligation to. Maintaining real-world relationships with people is a hassle for me. I have my wife and my son, everyone else is too much energy.
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Hooker
> Tom McParland
11/20/2013 at 11:14 |
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Indeed. Watching my brother's priorities change when his daughter came into the world was amazing. Either he didn't go out anywhere or he took baby girl with him. Thankfully, they go out more than they used to because baby girl is older now and can pretty much feed herself, walk and talk. Those things make it easier to travel.
Converse
> deadpedal
11/20/2013 at 11:17 |
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Agreed. One of my best friends from high school was a roller coaster with relationships.
We pointed out that he wanted his life to be a country song and go through the craziness. We cared about him and supported him, but that we didn't support his decisions when it came to relationships. Since he would always argue with us when we asked us for advice about relationships, we all decided that we wouldn't give him advice and he wasn't to ask us unless he truly wanted to know the right course of action.
Seems to have worked for the best for all involved to be honest.
Meatcoma
> Jagvar
11/20/2013 at 11:34 |
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I'd blame her, not him. I'm not saying all women are alike, but normally all women do not want their new boyfriend/hubby w/e hanging out with their old single or 'fun' friends.
quarterlifecrisis
> Yowen - not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs
11/20/2013 at 11:39 |
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Word. Went through this crap this year...not necessarily in the same exact way, but it was a long distance deal so life kind of revolved around being gone on a lot of weekends to spend time with her...so friends got neglected in the meantime. Once it ended...friends were still around.
DailyTurismo
> Jagvar
11/20/2013 at 11:42 |
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A true friend is someone who after not seeing/talking to you for 10 years will help you dispose of a body.
Kugelblitz
> William Byrd
11/20/2013 at 11:55 |
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Love is a magical sleigh ride through snowbound woods.
Then the sleigh flips over, trapping you under it.
At night, the ice weasels come.
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Kugelblitz
> Jagvar
11/20/2013 at 11:58 |
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Wow this sounds like a good friend of mine. every time he gets serious he just submerges into that other person's lifestyle.
Then he comes back. He even moved to another state and we ain't seen him in years. Great guy but damn.
I make space for old friends because they get rarer as you get older. So let him back in and when he wants to talk, do that. Life is too short to judge the people near you.
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Yowen - not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs
> quarterlifecrisis
11/20/2013 at 12:03 |
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Which is what friends are for, haha.
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quarterlifecrisis
> Yowen - not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs
11/20/2013 at 12:21 |
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True story. I kind of compare it to all my friends from college. 80% of them all live and work in Chicago. I lived 2.5 hours away and would go months without seeing them, but when we get together, it's like nothing has changed. Now that I live 11 hours away, I don't think it will be much different.
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Yowen - not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs
> quarterlifecrisis
11/20/2013 at 12:23 |
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I have friends in the Netherlands from when I lived there and I can go 2 years w/o seeing them and it's like nothing has changed when we get together, haha.
getchapopcorn
> Jagvar
11/20/2013 at 21:26 |
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everything party-vi, thedriver, and victorious secret said.
Casper
> Jagvar
11/21/2013 at 10:48 |
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Some people just do this. They only focus on one thing at a time and want to nest. Personally I still hang out with most of my friends after getting married, but that has more to do with the fact my wife isn't a nut job than anything. Some people marry crazy people and then just do whatever said crazy person instructs, including isolating themselves.
Give the guy another shot and point out that he's a dick head. Make him buy a few rounds of drinks to make up for it or punch him in the mouth, either way get over it like a man.
willkinton247
> Jagvar
12/18/2013 at 14:23 |
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I personally have a tendency to do this myself. And I have a really hard time keeping up with people who aren't in my immediate vicinity.
But having been dumped before after going all in, I totally suggest you hang with him.